Creeping Charlie

Sooooooo, Mr. Jackass from my last firm has been stalking me. He watches my linked-in page at least once a week. He is the one who booted me from the firm. What in the world could be his motivation to check out my professional page at all? But regularly? Creepy. Get a life, dude.

Sticky Wicket: A contract of adhesion...

So Big flabby law did some lay-offs and I got the boot. As if to affirm their Big Law douche-like nature, they offered me a severance only if I agreed to sign a contract. A hilarious contract. A simple "I agree not to sue you" would have been fine. Non-disclosure, confidentiality, blah blah blah. I would have signed that. But not this. They wanted me so sign away all my rights to any recovery from someone else's lawsuit! They of course, specifically denied any wrong-doing but objected when I did the same. I could go on... The terms were so one-sided, so full of bullying tactics and threats that I laughed out loud on the first read through. This is the kind of paperwork a nationally known firm gives to its own (former) employees? Such a hostile document seemed odd in circumstances where no discussion of fault or cause were mentioned.

Also the fact that they do layoffs with no notice purposely adds additional pressure to signing the document. Don't sign, no severance. Assholes.

I didn't sign.

I may have been a cog in the machine for a year and a half but I walk away away without bowing to the Boies, Schiller bullshit.

The Best things in Life are free but you can give them to the birds & bees...

Once I saw one of the partners for my Firm on television arguing a case before the Federal Circuit. He was clear, well spoken, sincere--everything you want in your lawyer if you are fighting the good fight. He was leading the charge for the oppressed. Righting the wrongs of the world. It was great. I was proud to be associated with this place even in such a meaningless capacity.

For the last few months, I've been reviewing documents from an attorney formerly at this Firm. Let me say they are overwhelmingly disappointing. It's not just that he was unethical, unscrupulous, evil, and untrustworthy but that this was common knowledge at the Firm when they hired him. What's more, the righteous partner I watched on television was the same employee who brought this ethical void into the Firm in the first place. They did fire him eventually but not until he had made the Firm a great deal of money. They didn't fire him because of his work ethic (oxymoronic as it may have been) but instead because they feared that his behavior was catching up with him and thus, with the Firm. Time to git while the gitting was good.

Listen to the sound of my bubble bursting (mini-pop). Money grubbing attorneys? Laziness in the face of work requirements? Self-important little men randomly accusing others of the deeds they themselves are guilty of? Skipping out on responsibilities and blaming staff? No, not an episode of Boston Legal. It's real life at Big Law. Sad. I do believe there is a Karma bus out there. It's driving around running down some and bringing others to where they deserve to be. But this Firm continues to be healthy, wealthy and a growing Blob of "show me the money." Why did I assume good lawyers are good people? What I am learning is that those with no moral compass make the best lawyers. Its 'sincerity-for-hire'. Money may not be the root of all evil but it certainly is the root of all legal work.

What Price Your Soul

I'll admit it. I went to law school to make Money. Yes, capital 'M' Money. Not just enough to get by. I want to be comfortable. This was after years of a career that I loved but had to get used to being poor & struggling. It took 15 years for the bloom to fall off that rose. For the romance of the 'struggling artist' or the nouveau bohemian to realize that there is nothing exciting about having your lights turned off (again).

One day I just said "I've had enough" and I want my life to get better now. So I went to law school thinking it was some kind of get rich quick scheme. Well, as I may have mentioned, so far the jokes been on me. I make less money than I did in my prior career.

But an opportunity has popped up for me to make almost 4 times what I do now. The problem is, this job is in a field that makes me uncomfortable. While it is ethical and legal, it promotes something that fundamentally I have a problem with. What do I do? Take the money and run? Not worry about the world I leave to my family? Or live off the fat of the land, paying my bills, taking care of my parents and maybe, some glorious day, pay off my student loan?

It's a moral dilemma. I know, I know. Send out the search party. But honestly, is this the way to go? Does there come a time when Altruism becomes just too expensive?

It's not that easy being Green

It was a dark and stormy night...no, actually it was a dark and stormy day. And my phone crapped out so I can't watch the Daily Show while I code. Damn. What can I tell you about Cog-life today. Have I gone over BL's prudent money-saving measures? No? Ooooh, I'm so excited to share. Cogs can't use the phone, Xerox or Fax without a customer code. Now the firm generously allots us $5 per person per month toward any personal use of any of the above office machines. Any overages above the $5 mark are deducted from our salary. But be warned. This generous slush fund does not roll over from month to month and has no cash value. Use it or lose it.

But what impresses me the most is the rationing of the toilet paper. Yes. That's what I said. Here in Cog paradise, there are certain kinds of toilet paper holders (no doubt invented by the real-life roll model for Scrooge) which do not allow you to freely pull from the roll. These holders only allow about 1/3 of a roll then stop so you are unable to take more than a few squares at a time. Gotta prevent those Cogs from going to town on all the free TP they can use. I have been in Third World countries with more generous attitudes toward the doling out of toilet tissue.

Now at first I thought this was an environmental consideration. How nice for the Firm to go Green. Silly me. Wrong kind of green. Big Law does not recycle. Not paper, not cans, not glass, not plastic, not cardboard. No matter that recycling is the law in this state. There is a bin for beverage containers with deposits to be returned for the cash. Containers without return cash value go in the trash. Nice! Grab every dollar where you can, right? And if anyone wants to challenge Big Law for refusing to pay for recycling---hey, they have hundreds of lawyers just sitting around dying to write a cranky note to the State. After all, time is money so get off the can Bob Cratchit and get back to work.

"This is not a negotiation..."

Another day, another dollar. We are plodding through our assignment when we get an email from the bigwigs at the central office. "You and your group have to get through 800 documents by Saturday night. Stay late & work on Saturday if you have to..." We emailed them back (and CC'd "Jack" so he can pretend to be in the loop) letting the wigs know that that number is impossible for the 3 of us working on this assignment. We simply cannot do that many in the time alloted no mater how late we stay. We email them back saying if we work late & on the weekend, we might be able to get through 600. "Jack" calls us on speakerphone. 'You don't understand," he says dryly, "this is not a negotation. They are asking you to do 800 so do 800."

Quantity over quality. That's how we do things in the basement of Big Law.

If it ain't broke....

Let's discuss attorney supervision. Here at "Big Law," the Firm charges the client about $310/hour for the Cogs to perform our document review services. This means that the client pays Big Law to assign, oversee, and manage all the reviews we are doing. The head of the Cogs here, let's call him...Jack. Anyway, Jack, a partner at BL, sits in his office on our floor and does whatever he does with his day. He has no daily interaction with us, doesn't speak to us via email, phone or in person. In the 2 years I've been here, He's had two meetings with the full Cog staff. Two. We come in, do whatever we do with our day then leave. There is no interaction with the Big Law staff, no questions, answers or check in's from Jack, no accounting of our time to Big Law (besides our daily billable hours of course) and simply no supervision whatsoever. It is the epitomy of self management. Why the hands-off attitude? The lack of direction? The careless and sloppy attitude to the biggest money maker at this place? Because the Cogs are simply a conveyor belt of income. Why fix what isn't broken?


Why didn't I know about this business before law school? I'd have started one of these places myself.

You Get What You Pay

ABA Journal reported today on a malpractice suit filed against McDermoot Will & Emery claiming they "negligently performed their duties." Apparently MWE has a herd of cogs to do document review just like I do here. The client is claiming the Firm did not actively manage the work the cogs performed and that they were "paid as little as $25-$30 an hour to review documents." Apparently, this lack of oversight and low pay resulted in poor document review quality on behalf of MWE. Hilarious! I'd LOVE to make a paltry $25-30 an hour. Here we make $19. And after half of that goes to my student loan, I make $8/hour.

As my mother would say "you get what you pay for." Let me explain. The quality of the attorney's at MWE is not any different than the quality of attorneys at any firm. That crux of the matter is that if you pay people peanuts, you get work worth peanuts. Employees simply feel taken advantage of and resentful. If you don't value me, why should I value you? And sorry, MWE, that obviously turned around and bit you in the ass. Karma at work my friend. Simply Karma.

Let Them Eat Cake

Last Friday Big Law Firm in Anonymous city had the July Birthdays event where they order up a sheet cake from the local Supermarket chain. They send an email around advising us that the cake has arrived and cogs run (literally) upstairs to get free cake. Its awful cake. Super cheap with a bad pudding in the middle. But it gets worse. After the party, the cake stays on the upper floor where the real lawyers sit---in case they would like seconds.

Days later (in this case 5 days later) it appears on our floor in case we would like a 2nd piece of 5 day old cake. If you thought it was bad on Friday, imagine it on Wednesday. Thanks Big Law! We love you!

A bit of Backstory

How did I get here? I graduated law school with dreams of helping inventors protect their inventions or working in technology helping research and development move forward. I passed the bar and landed my first job. One recession later, I am laid off with no real prospects. I job search relentlessly for months and am finally offered a "non-partner track, non-associate job" that I am assured has no hope of promotion. The salary is half of what I used to make ($40K) but I figured its better to work while I look then sit on the couch watching Oprah & eating bonbons. Don't get me wrong. I am not sniffing at $40,000 a year. I was making that before I went to law school. But one law school degree and $165,000 in debt later, I thought a Juris Doctorate and bar admission would mean something --preferably in cash. Joke's on me.

So I enter the world of document review. This firm has a separate area for document review staff (called 'Staff Attorneys' rather than associates so no-one in or outside the firm would confuse the real lawyers from the temporary staff). We cannot use the phone, copy machine or fax without client codes--and since we have no clients, we have no access to any office machinery. The attorney's in the main office treat us with snide remarks and condescension. They actually won't ride the elevators with us or fraternize in any way lest 'staff attorney'-ness rubs off on them like Ebola.

The Firm counts every office supply from pens, paperclips and thumbtacks right down to the toilet paper. Yes, they ration the toilet paper. Here Big Law has special locks on the toilet paper rolls so you cannot take more than a few squares without special efforts. How nice. Don't think Big Law is eco-conscious because that would just mean you don't work in Big Law. BL is run by the all mighty dollar. This firm doesn't even recycle (which in our state is the law). They save bottles and cans that have a deposit on them & throw the rest in the garbage. There is no recycling for paper or cardboard either. All tossed in the bin. Because our work is all electronic online review, no one has any office supplies. My office-mate and I share 1 pen and there is only 1 person on the floor with a pair of scissors so if I need to cut something, I wait til I get home.

As for office arrangements, they pack us in 2-3 to an office designed for one. These offices are windowless boxes with little circulation. At least I don't have to worry about sun exposure from a window--but vitamin D deficiency is a problem. We're probably susceptible to scurvy too--I'll have to Google that...